Monthly Archives: August 2016

Here, softness.

 

In a world that

seems harsh

feels harsh,

people crying

people dying,

I crave

softness.

*

Harshness

of defense,

protective shields,

certainty

and resistance,

exhaust.

*

Harshness inside

my head,

with me.

Harshness outside

my head,

with you.

Lunacy.

*

I slither to softness

and fall at her feet.

She forgives the

insanity of harshness

of insanity.

I lay down my imagined fight

and breath.

*

An inherent

kind, compassionate

unspoken agreement

gives birth

to allowance and possibility.

Yes’ live here,

her strength sustains this field of aliveness.

*

I learn how to heed your call,

extending softness into

defense

protectedess,

seeming harsh realities.

Arrogance is dismantled,

nothing to prove.

Everywhere, diamonds in the rough.

*

In a world that

seems harsh

feels harsh,

people crying

people dying,

I crave softness.

That’s why I like

being

with

softness.

 

 

 

 

The inclusivity of waking up

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You know how the old lineage of non-duality disavowed the body with such success? it makes sense- because when culture propagates dissociation, one doesn’t actually know what one isn’t including. All those head openings, going up and out, were perfectly delightful. Exclusion came easy.

Non duality upholds “no separation”. But until one looks thoroughly in every nook and cranny, to see what might possibly not be included (subconsciously), there will be exclusion. Those old  men didn’t know how to include their looking into that which they’d separated so deeply from.

It’s similar w/ the black lives matter and rape culture and homophobia and fear machine politics. It’s why we can’t just be “humanists”- because for centuries humanism excluded women. It just can’t be “all lives matter”- because for centuries that meant white lives. It can’t just be all life/love matters because GBLT lives and love have not been valued.

Until we strip back all the entitlement and heavy duty power structures and propaganda, we can’t understand that white, heterosexual, male supremacy is what is largely running the world. It’s more than the 3%, because the 3% has infiltrated every nook and cranny of culture to get people to do their bidding. And we’re doing it, without knowing we are.

We’ve got to wake up!
We can’t see the dynamics when we’re so busy defending, hiding, pretending. “Oh, not me! that’s the other men. Oh not me! That’s the other white people! Oh not me! That’s other straight people!”

Oh, but it is me. It is ME that is the problem. I must deeply look into me. And you must look into you. And, into “we.”

Waking up includes exploring and journeying into everything. Every bit of entitlement we’ve gained from being white. From being men. From having money to feed and shelter ourselves and our children. From not fearing bombs dropped on us. It includes diving into every emotion, feeling, belief, addition, and assumption wrt who we are/what we take ourselves to be/what we take others to be. Inner and outer.

Waking up is inclusive. It includes everything. It includes looking into everything you think you are, and into everything you think you aren’t. Thoughts, sensations/energies/feelings, ideas, mental fixations, memories of past, visions of future. Explore. Rest. Inquire. AND enjoy life. 🙂

Manufactured Satisfaction

Whatever you’re afraid of
happening
has already
happened.

While you weren’t noticing,
it plopped itself down
in front of you
and looked you in the eye.

You looked away
and continued to
pretend,
returning to strategizing
how to avoid that
which is here.

Moving the furniture around
again
despite the legs being
broken
and the fabric
torn.

Surely you can
make it work
if you just keep
trying
and avoid
the stink eye of reality.

Manufactured satisfaction co-created
by fear and a series of mirages.
Ho hum.
Another one bites the
bullet and chooses dressed up
mediocrity.

Not to worry,
another round of poker
will reveal a new hand,
giving you a pick of what to be
afraid of.
Forfeit and the pleasure’s yours.

Another Way

I wonder if sometimes we don’t even realize there’s another way? That it is possible to not be bound to compulsions /addictions, to certain ways of being, to identification, to depression or anxiety. There seems to be a complacency or acceptance with stuff that makes us suffer. Or maybe we like our fantasies and pretend world too much, not realizing how much suffering this brings us? I wonder if we are just so used to our various “have tos” and our various dramas that we assume that’s just how it is. I come across new things in my own patterning constantly- it’s all open for exploration. None of it has to be “lived with” or tolerated. And no, it’s not always easy to explore one’s inner terrain. 

I had a new client this morning who had no idea she could question her compulsion to eat candy when she’s stressed. She just assumed that’s how it would always be. She was so relieved to discover that she could question the dynamic! If you find yourself in similar situations, and/or with the same old mind chatter, and/or repeating certain behaviors over and over- you can explore any of that! Life, in all ways, can be explored and journeyed into. Inquire. Rest. Enjoy.

Yes’ and No’s

Where do your yes’ and no’s come from? what do you notice in your body with your yes’ and no’s? do you notice the counter side to your yes and no’s- when you say yes to one thing, what are you saying no to, and when you say no to one thing, what are you saying yes to? It seems to me that not all yes and no’s are created equal. Some yes’ and no’s seem to come from response, some from reaction. Some yes’ and no’s are a pushing a way, and some are a leaning toward. There are biases associated with yes’ and no’s- but when there is one, the other is lingering near by. What an invitation, to get to know my yes’ and my no’s and the various ways they come through, moment by moment. Tightness, closing, openness, receiving? What’s here now? <3

I forgot that I mattered

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I forgot that I mattered.
It was trained
out of me.
Soap
in my mouth. 
*
I forgot that I mattered.
I was Jill
in Jack’s box
playing hide and seek
with my spark.
*

I forgot that I mattered.
Harsh words
blank stares
looked past tears
and a scared girl.
*
I forgot that I mattered.
Submission
a safety zone.
Pretense
filled the basket.
*

I forgot that I mattered.
My voice
disappeared
my body played
dead.
*

I forgot that I mattered.
So I let
you forget,
and you did.
My silence for your pleasure.
*

Until, through divine intervention
I found that I mattered.
Hoax revealed, my spark
demanded play.
I’m ready! she called.
Me too, I replied. And we did.

Returned to Owner

Where will I sit
without my placeholder
of importance?


Unexpectedly
the room opens,
wide and deep.
Spacious

Here I am.
Free.
And it’s beautiful

Strings loosen
no love to earn
life is available
I am available
To me

Formulaic cacophony
dissolves, revealing
nothingness and everything.
Puzzle pieces become
The puzzle.

I can’t prove my worth
and in that absence
I experience
indisputable
worthiness

The cicadas sing with me
We dance, play, die
We stretch, we become.
In the next breath
we weave creation

Innocence Revealed

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“Just feel your feelings!” We get told this repeatedly, but if it was that simple then this world would be a different place. For many of us, dare I say most of us, there have been times when it literally hasn’t been safe for us to feel our sadness, or anger, and/or our fear. We didn’t have an adult who would support us while we felt these things so we didn’t learn that these emotions were an innocent part of being human. Then on top of that, due to our circumstances, we often weren’t safe to be with, or express these emotions.

 

There are many strategies we learned to counter this lack of safety, to give us the appearance of safety- to be self reliant, to submit, to rebel, to try to disappear… Being angry, or sad, or afraid were often either demonized, we’d get in trouble for being this way, or opened us up to more attack. So we did everything possible to avoid certain emotions and/or to fear them. If we were bullied as children, for example, it was safer to pretend we weren’t afraid- the hope being that if we were “strong” then we’d not be preyed upon or be vulnerable to attack. This strategy may have actually saved our lives! Pretending we were strong kept us safe on some level, at least in certain ways, for a little while. Pretending to not be afraid was innocent. But over time this led to us shutting down on what is actually a healthy emotion- we unintentionally developed an unhealthy relationship with something that is healthy- and led us to repress fear because of our fear of fear.

 

This is how it looked in my house: My dad was often gone during the week so my mom was the main caregiver. For various reasons my mom was often in a state of overwhelm, which meant that in order to handle her own feelings, she turned away from mine as well as subtly or overtly shamed me for having them. I wasn’t allowed to be angry, and I got negative feedback for crying. Not only would I not be comforted if I showed emotion, showing emotion would get me in trouble. So I learned very quickly that no one was there to support me emotionally, and that emotions were not acceptable. One way to deal wit this was to pretend I wasn’t upset, or to hide when I was upset. After all, I didn’t want to be a bother to my mom, plus I knew my emotions wouldn’t get acknowledged anyway. AND I might get in more trouble for having them. It was best to just stuff them. I grew up not know how to feel my feelings, because I had no one to support me when I had them, and because it wasn’t safe for me to feel them. My best option was to stuff/ repress them.

 

So yeah, it’s not as simple as “JUST feel your feelings!”  There are so many reasons they haven’t seemed safe over the years. It’s no wonder many of us have repressed emotions. And yet, this has happened innocently- we innocently repressed innocent emotions due to our circumstances, conditioning and belief systems.

 

The good news is that our brains and neural pathways are malleable – trauma, conditioning and belief systems can be explored and journeyed into so as to bring integration, returning us to healthy expressions and healthy ways of being.

 

There can be a lot of self-loathing, guilt and shame in not allowing ourselves to experience healthy emotions- emotions that all human beings experience from time to time. When we demonize, try to avoid, or fear anger, sadness and/or fear, they get repressed, and as such resisted. As we’ve all heard, what we resist, persists! They tug at us, under the surface, influencing our lives.

 

Almost everyone has experienced trauma in our lives in one-way or another. Just to name a few, trauma may have been experienced from having emotionally neglectful or over baring caregivers, from being bullied by people in our childhoods, or from having physically or sexually abusive people in our lives (developmental/complex trauma). For some people they’ve had trauma from a one time event (acute trauma) such as an act of violence, a natural disaster, or an accident/death.

 

There are many safe ways to explore trauma. As a somatic therapist, I help clients explore trauma every day by gently exploring their day-to-day challenges in ways that include their somatic system. Since trauma can be stored in our bodies energetically and/or in the fascia network, it is important that the somatic system be a part of any kind of trauma work. There are many ways to explore the somatic system. Two methods that I have a lot of experience with are: (1) John F. Barnes Myofascial Release works with the fascia web that can hold trauma (this is a hands on approach), and (2) The Living Inquiries is a hands off somatic approach which explores belief systems and their felt resonances. There are many other methods. Many libraries have books on somatic processing/ exploration and you can also do an internet search for “Somatic Therapy” or something similar. Many somatic therapists work with people using skype or zoom, or even by phone. If you’d prefer someone local make sure you ask the practitioner if they have a good understanding of how trauma and belief systems can reside in the body. (If they don’t know what you’re talking about then chances are they do more of a cognitive-based therapy.)

 

When our past traumas and experiences have been honored and gently explored, when our vigilance centers have released a bit, allowance is possible.

There is so much freedom that comes with allowance. We are able to open doors to compassionately love and honor ourselves as human beings- being who are literally designed to feel and experience a vast array of emotional expressions and states of being. What a relief to celebrate our humanity!

 

Responsibility to being

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I’m contemplating responsibility this morning. We live in a culture where people take responsibility for others, that’s just what we were taught. Our own sensations and well-being were out of our attention and instead we referenced outward. We tried to get love and safety by tuning in to and referencing the outside world as opposed to our direct inner experience.

Instead of being with- tuning into- our sensations, our senses of selves, we often continue to busy ourselves “out there”. It seems to me that to be truly responsible is to tune in to our own direct experience, to pay attention to our sensations and emotions and senses of selves, and to be with how those bits are revealing themselves. The alternative is often (unintentionally) dumping on ourselves or others- suffering.

We all impact others. Getting to know ourselves allows us to grow up and wake up. To be truly responsible is to be honest with ourselves, to honor ourselves, so that when we are feeling hopeless or angry or sad or frustrated, we feel those things, we be with those experiences, instead of acting from them. When we do this, we are loving ourselves, and we inadvertently wind up being more loving toward those around us.

In my reality tunnel life is not about transcending anything. It’s about being with what is here, as it’s here, as my experience. It’s noticing and being with whatever comes up with my current experience, whether it’s resistance or attachment, fear or ease, hopelessness or rebelliousness, anger or joy, and so on, and meeting those experiences themselves, whatever they themselves elicit. There’s often layers upon layers within our experiences, buffers upon buffers. When we slow down and get curious about our inner terrain, we can make friends with our experiences, our emotions, our senses of selves and there will be no need or interest in transcending anything. The discovery is revealing and presence becomes inevitable.

I’m grateful to be on this journey of discovery.