Monthly Archives: September 2016

I’m reclaiming my heart #40

I’m reclaiming my heart

as the carwash

conveyor line

crawls

homeward.

**

**

I’m reclaiming my heart.

The spray down

removing traces

of invisible

vengeance.

**

**

I’m reclaiming my heart

Lurching.

Shaking.

Grinding.

Streaking.

**

**

I’m reclaiming my heart

The excessive suds

washing away

visible

shame.

**

**

I’m reclaiming my heart

Empty.

Noisy.

Redundant.

Full.

**

**

I’m reclaiming my heart

The hot wax

sealing

in love

and wisdom.

**

**

I’m reclaiming my heart

Saturated.

Hollowed.

Persistent.

Forgiving.

**

**

I’m reclaiming my heart

The forced air

making room

for more of me

and less of you.

**

**

I’m reclaiming my heart

Pressured.

Buffered.

Released.

Widened.

**

**

I’m reclaiming my heart

The garage door

opens and

I am

free.

Exploring Aliveness- 100 days of exquisite play

My passion is exploring my humanity: how this person called Lisa lives, breaths, thinks, expresses, feels, imagines, acts. I love to study attachments (velcro) to thoughts, to images, to sensations- the world of perceiving and the overt/covert meaning making that comes along (which is just more perceiving). And I love to peel back the subtle layers as well as the overt layers of perceiving and see what else is there, what’s under the hood, that I’ve not been able to notice but has been here all along. What I always discover is that life is vast and rich.

rocks

 

Exploring aliveness is a way that helps me get at these subtle and overt layers of perceiving- and that is really my ultimate passion in the realm of exploring my humanity. A year ago yesterday I started an experiment called  #100daysofbeingturnedon. (I blogged about it here.) It was an amazing journey, and it feels like the perfect timing to do it again, renamed #100daysexploringaliveneness

What is aliveness, and what is being turned on? As I  consider what’s revealing itself in this moment, it seems to me that whatever is being revealed is also that which is simultaneously being birthed in this moment now- it is that which is becoming/is alive/is aliveness- right now. In each moment we have the opportunity to meet aliveness. Aliveness can and does show up in a zillion ways, and through our ability to be aware we have the capacity to explore at least some of the ways aliveness is here.  For me, aliveness is so linked to being turned-on- I wonder if there is even anything intrinsically different other than conceptual overlay/interpretations. I don’t think of being turned on as a sexual expression, or synonymous with a particular expressions of aliveness. In this way, being sad can be experienced as being turned on just as being happy can be experienced as turned on as there are felt expressions that come with both. Expressions of aliveness comes with all of it.

Here is how my study of aliveness started this morning. I was lying in bed gently feeling into my chest and heart. I felt my breath come, go, and flow through these subtle but also distinct sensations. I was very curious about what was here- it was subtle, yet seemed to beckon my attention. As i followed the expression of the aliveness revealing itself, attention moved: it went into, around and through my left pectoral muscle. I hadn’t felt this sensation in this way, ever. I was drawn in further. Although there was almost no content, I experienced a kind of tenderness. A sweetness. A newness. As if a waking up of sorts was underway, I wanted to explore it even more intimately, and  I found my hand drift to connect with the physical location. I stayed there for awhile- curiously exploring and delighting in aliveness. I felt gratitude as felt a deep peacefulness- a beautiful way to start the day!

After awhile I got out of bed and went about “things.” What I noticed, after this brief exploration with aliveness, was an undeniable lightness. I’ve been going through a rather heavy transition so this felt simply like magic. My perspective was wide, my energetic system deep, my mind  calm and curious, and my over all state expansive. I felt tuned in, and absolutely turned on.

Yes!, I thought, let’s do this #100daysofexploringaliveness thing.

The exquisite aliveness that lives in this body is glaringly obvious when I bring attention to what alive in this moment. It’s something we all have capacity of, and it becomes easier with practice. Wouldn’t it be fun if we all practiced exploring our aliveness? If we all became more intimate with our present moment, instead of worry about the past or future? Let’s do this thing: #100daysofexploringaliveness

 

Converging Layers of Shame

IMG_3645

 

A furball of

shame

spewed from deep inside

my being

onto the bathtub floor.

**

It didn’t come fast or easy.

It was concealed

in thick, viscous muck,

taking it’s time

like a demon talking it’s prey.

**

Once spotted

she let out a

freight-train roar

and demanded devotion

unmercifully

**

I was dirty,

through and

through, as if

there was no end

to my badness

**

Desperate for the water

to save me,

it didn’t.

Heat rained down

upon my existence.

**

A life review revealed

an intended design

not to my liking.

Disgust and darkness

pirouetted into innocence.

**

Mother, forlorn

as she was,

forgiven

for her lack of joy

which became

my shadow.

**

Infant, mother, me, we,

twitching, turning

creations

of time and space

released and renewed in a flash.

**

The grip of stagnation

falls away as

converging layers are met with

the unyielding light of

compassion and kindness.