I’m a drug free psychonaut, a geek for exploration into unmapped territories. I know how to access this without the use of mind-altering substances, which is to say nothing about those substances or the people that utilize them, it’s just that I have access.
Being a trauma therapist, somatic midwife, thought technology shifter and god revealer, exploring uncharted territory is my passion and my gift. Beginner’s mind is key here, and it is in my job description to move from beginner’s mind. I’m usually able to do this, and quickly learn when I am not. Discernment, desire, and integrity are cornerstones that live in relationship with beginner’s mind.
To be a psychonaut I must notice preexisting maps- not just for others but also myself- which I am 100% committed to. I’ve always been my own subject/guinea pig, which is to say I am a lab for exploration. What I’ve been studying lately (which is nothing new but I’m studying from a slightly different lens atm) are my own learned maps which follow me around out of neural pathway existence/habit. Some are decades old, and have been consciously, somatically and cognitively been unwinding for years. Some are just weeks or days old. Others are a combo- I use an old map, and put it onto a new map, or vice versa. I’m becoming more conscious of the maps at play, and their impact on my life.
“Non platonic” love engagements are the trickiest territory for me with regards to living from beginner’s mind. Sometimes what I think I know, or what I’ve mapped previously, or the matrixes I’ve glimpsed into, want to be center stage. I am paying attention to this. I notice my predictables, and what I call “my first responders” (my students are really having fun playing around with this thought technology- I will write about that eventually).
While a large part of me loves the uncharted, the youngest part of me hates it. My younger one knows mostly scarcity and aloneness, and the unknown is terrifying for them. My young one has a lot of rules which weed through all the maps of intimacy. Being aware of this, I watch for when they are pushing themselves forwards into my adult Now. I watch how my young one’s energy maneuvers to try to have control. I notice their wanting of familiarity and consistency. I notice the vigilance, doubt, and fear that may arise when things don’t go the way they think things should.
Here’s how this can play out for me these days.
Before sitting down to meditate yesterday I sent a text to non-platonic love that my young one did not want me to send. They thought it would have ramifications, because based on their lived reality/experiences, they do not have internal agency, they do not know goodness, and they are used to retribution/punishment, scarcity and urgency. This all leads them to make up stories based on their past experiences, some from childhood and some from adult abusive dynamics, and apply them to current situations which are rooted in health. Knowing my young one’s predictable first responses, and knowing how to acknowledge them, but not live from them, I sent the text from my adult resourced self who knows wholeness, and then I let it go and went into meditation.
While in a deep state of connecting to abundance, I happened to look down to see the text from this love, which was simple yet affirming. Seeing the response- which was 100% counter to what my young one expected- brought an immediate visceral response and I started to sob, actual wail, releasing years and years of grief from that young child self (as well as my past adult self who was in abusive dynamics) who had endured so much rejection, abandonment and dysfunction, while experiencing the vast realms of abundance here Now as my adultSelf.
As the truth of my actual abundant reality was felt deeper into my adult system, that which was not real (the past of my young one’s reality) flowed out. My ancestors showed up, far and wide, known and unknown- most noticeably my dad, who often sits with me when deep grief and joy simultaneously reveal themselves. He held my hand, and wiped tears from my eyes as he often does, acknowledging the seeming duality of this planet, while staying with the true nature of non-duality that I had tapped into.
These maps can be intense, and it can be counterintuitive to explore them- and yet it’s so worth it. I am committed to exploring these maps and using my practices and resourcing to go beyond where I’ve gone before. And please know, it’s not because I’m brave- it’s because there is only suffering to be found when I am bound to past realities and wounds, and I’m not a fan of suffering!
To be compassionate and in discernment necessitates going slow. So, we go slow. When I notice the stickiness, I don’t try to evade it, and I don’t let it (my young one) drive my life, either. I use my practices; I confer with my people. I come back to beginner’s mind over, and over, and over, questioning the meaning making I’m assuming/projecting as true. Each time I drop an old map, there is clarity, freedom and the space for true connection opens up. Each time, trust for the uncharted territory shows up.
I remind myself, and I’ll remind you too: there is no rush. Really. Y’all, when it comes to the depths, we’ve got to honor ourselves. The territory that is uncharted will never cease. It’s not going anywhere. This is the fertile ground for evolution towards wellness.
The nervous system loves this unhurried and compassionate way of being, as this is how we develop a relationship with trust. There is sustainability, love, and kindness in taking one’s time, in extending patience and care, and in doing this with other loving bodies. I am so grateful for my co-psychonaut loves. I love that we wade together, that we’re all learning.
If you’re looking for more ways to be in community, check out here, and here. Also, I’m playing around with creating a closed group where we can do the practices together that help shift our patterning. If you’re interested, please reach out. We grow, learn, and love in community.
 them/their/they will be used as first-person singular in this blog post when referring to my young one/ myself.