I just got news that Kathrynn hadn’t gotten the role of young Cosette in the local prouction of Les Miz. I stopped what I was doing and lay down on my bed. I was experiencing a lot of different thoughts and sensations and was trying to notice them as they popped. I felt sensations across my chest. Sadness. Tears rolled down my cheeks. The words that came were, ”I shouldn’t have gotten so hopeful” (i.e., I should be different).
I was shocked to hear those words. The first response wa,s “OMG nooooooooo, it’s *ok* that I was hopeful!!!! Please let it be ok to be hopeful!” In a flash I felt and leaned into the invitation to experience the vast richness of life in all its facets: pain, joy, tears, laughter, confusion, uncertainty, certainty.
Then my mind bulldozed past that to the inclination to agree with the previous words. Yes! I should not have gotten hopeful! SEEEEE! See what happens when you get hopeful? You get disappointed. And sad. And uncomfortable. A-ha!!! PROOF that I shouldn’t have gotten hopeful.
And then more sadness came as I realized that what I was experiencing had nothing to do with Kathrynn getting the part, and that “the proof” was nothing more than another attempt to keep me isolated and separate from the experience of living as a human being who feels lots of different things. Waves of flashbacks/memories then popped— times where I had tried to play it safe so as to not be hurt or disappointed, and to not hurt or disappoint others. Futile attempts at “being safe”, and in doing so birthing massive beliefs that I had to hide and dumb down; from myself as well as from others. All were attempts to keep myself from feelings, which at some point I had labeled as uncomfortable and/or bad and/or “me.”
So there I was, tears rolling down my cheeks, a sensation in my chest, and sadness. As I let it all be there, as it *was* all there, what was the problem? The mind rallies around evading discomfort/emotions/the ever changing nature of life, and creates ways to strategically avoid feeling out of control. Oddly enough, as I sat in those raw sensations and feelings, the mind slowed down and I no longer experienced a turning away. The stories and thoughts fell away and I could no longer find a problem or a belief that I should be different, there in that moment. “The wave” of emotion rolled in so quickly, and after the height of fear and sadness capped, it rolled away just as fast.
I am left with immense curiosity. Oh, so intensity can’t kill me??!?!? It’s as if the world is opening up. Or am I opening up to the world?