Post #1, in a series of Trusting Life
One might assume I have a trust with life. And, I’d say that’s true. Because I’ve done so much somatic, embodiment, and trauma journeying, my system now has a sense of security in relationship with life… in relationship with my right relationship within the co-creation of life. AND, phew… when certain things come my way, my predictable core deficiency stories (and survival patterning)- where I *don’t* have trust with life- will often rise up for the next layer of seeing. My teachers call this rising up an opportunity for those deficiency stories to get to know love… what they call a process of “love becoming.”
Covid has been like a big flashlight for me… shining light on the gaps in my trust with life. My fears of abandonment, fears of rejection, and fears/beliefs of unlovablity have all been on the table to look at, feel into, and be with. And I am grateful, because it’s impossible to fully trust life when these deficiency stories are running our lives behind the scenes, as they often are, and I am a creature who is designed to trust the co-creation of life that I am inherently within.
I’ve been privately writing a lot about this the last couple weeks, chronicling how my core “love becomings” have been surfacing, bringing me closer to the wounded parts within that are wanting love, and, have brought me deeper into trusting the fullness life.
Here’s my first public/ blog sharing (make sure you subscribe so as to get the upcoing nitty gritty). I know we’re all going through big things here… that what I’m going through is adjacent to what you’re going through, in your own way. We’re in this together.
Trusting life Part 1
Trusting life has been part of my contemplations and inquiries for a while. Just that sentence is a whole book but real briefly let me say what I mean by trusting life. And maybe I should say Life, with a capital L. We come into this planet needing material plane care- food, water, shelter… and most importantly heart love and nurturance from our caregivers. Ideally, as we are nurtured by heart nurturing care givers, we learn our right relationship with the bigness of life, which is to say we learn that we are interdependent creatures, within a world of co-creation.
Wellllll many of us didn’t experience that key component of heart nurturance, and we know nothing of healthy interdependency and the nature of co-creation. And more than that, many of grew up experiencing sexual, physical, and/or emotional abuse. What this means is that we grow up with un-trustable humans, which translated into us not being able trusting life. And, we don’t even know it so we just keep trying and trying to get our needs met from material plane sources that don’t nurture us, that can’t satisfy our heart selves. Which just repeats the trauma cycle. Trusting life is mayyyyyybe at the heart of the matter for most of us, but I’ll just speak for myself.
I have legit reasons for not trusting life… that’s a whole book, but just to say… I was thrust into a machine minutes after being born, to a mother with significant PPD+, with an erratic older sibling. Distrust of this life… it’s been a staple that’s hoovered, unacknowledged, through most of my life, until I started to do deep somatic exploring with the help of some amazing people about 10 years ago.
Life routinely brings me closer to those continued unfolding layers, and phew y’all, this round of covid has brought up some core stuff for me to meet- the territory my teachers call “love becoming”- those aspects within us that don’t yet know love. All our lives… these parts rise, these unloved parts within that are looking for love, but we don’t know how to meet them, so we utilize what we know… hurling oppressive narratives at ourselves to try to get ourselves to be better, while also engaging in survival behaviors that temporarily make us feel better, but don’t address the core wound. So the cycle of trauma continues, the parts within us that so need love and connection, continue to starve like the hungry ghosts they are.
We break that cycle with love, and compassion. When “love becoming” happens, when these unloved aspects surface to be met, they don’t need material plane gratification, or harshness, they need kindness, presence, acknowledgement. Offering this to my clients is at the center of my private practice and the modality that I created, but as always… issuing this kindness and compassion to myself is always a whole other thing of breaking the cycle of abuse.
I’ve been privately writing a lot about this the last couple weeks, chronicling how my core “love becomings” have been surfacing through my fears of abandonment, rejection and unlovablity, particularly with regards to my learned survival patterning, and I’m just starting to share more on my blog about it (subscribe to get updates). I hope to be able to take what I’ve been writing about for the last couple weeks and turn them into a series of blog posts, cause I know we’re all going through something here… I know what I’m going through is adjacent to what you’re going through, in your own way, because we all share these core deficiency stories about ourselves in one way or another.
So, stay tuned for more sharing of the nitty gritty of my journey of how loss of neural functioning, touch deprivation and isolation, difficultly breathing and hearing, and intense fatigue have brought me closer to the wounded parts within that are wanting love, and, have brought me deeper into trusting the fullness life.