I woke up sobbing the other morning. The hard reality experienced yet again- my dad is dead.
I have these kinds of dreams from time to time, and so I know that they are not so much about my dad, but signs of a level shift— where, as I’m going deeper and wider, I am also connecting to the
aspects of me that have not yet met love fully.
My heart had been burning for days, and thank goodness my dreams like to help me process while I’m asleep.
At first I went to my head, as would be predictable for me- as if my thoughts could solve what was arising.
Eventually I remembered that I was safe to feel. And feel I did. And there it was: my fear of being alone in the world.
Even though I’m a somatic trauma therapist, I too am still unlearning the patterns that were formed in my earliest of years. I too am still remembering that I’m safe to be Here, now, instead of trying to think myself through life.
I too am still being remembered the the full web of life being co-created in every moment, and that I don’t even need to try to manage it. I too am still remembering that when I feel most insecure, I don’t need to manage, and can stay with the moment presently unfolding.
It’s a hard one to embody, this remembering of the present moment.
And in this current level shift, with so many unknowns, it feels especially challenging at the moment.
And extremely important.
I woke early this morning seeing the pattern yet again, surfacing up from all the places in me that do not yet know love.
These fears/ these parts of me aren’t loud and dramatic, but more like little whispers in my ear of doubt and suspicion (almost always future oriented), which then trigger my manager to try to take charge.
Growing up in the household I did, I became an expert manager to avoid the traumatic experiences I was amidst. I was not safe to feel, and in those frozen and dys-regulated states I managed, managed, and managed some more.
Of course there are things we need to manage sometimes, but these fears require something else: love, not analytics. To pause my inner manager, I asked myself these questions:
Am I trying to avoid the present moment?
Am I denying the current reality that is actually here?
The simple answer for me was, in some way or another, Yes!
I found my breath, or should I say, my breath found me, and slowly I fell back to sleep remembering. Being re-membered. Back into the co-creation of the moment. There was relief that I didn’t need to manage it all. And yet also some fear that I can not manage it all. And/ Both. What was clear in that moment, however, was that I do not need to distort the present moment, or the reality that I was presently breathing in. Phew.
As my first client this morning wisely revealed to us this morning, we may sometimes live empowered lives through our doing, but even simply giving notice to how breath is presently inhabiting our bodies, moment by moment, is a powerful way we can inhabit our own lives. Thank goodness for breath.
Like most of us in this culture, I’ve been trained to live largely in my thoughts, in a mentally constructed reality, rather than feel what is presently here, in actuality, with my somatic system/body/being.
We live in a disembodied and denialist culture, so it’s no wonder that this happens. So innocently.
And yet, to live as empowered participants in our own lives, with must inhabit the moment.
I know it’s not just me- I’ve noticed that level shifts are in the air for so many of us, and with that some rich opportunities to release what is old, and embody what truly serves as empowered participants.
As always, I am grateful for Matrix Integration Exploration (MIE). Together
We engage in practices which help our attention learn that it’s safe for our inner managers to slow down, and safe for our bodies to be included.
We learn what I call “Actual Factual”- which helps us discern what is true in a moment from what trauma has trained us to believe/perceive.
We discern how it’s safe to be in the present moment, in simple ways.
We learn that we innocently and accidentally sometimes distort reality, sometimes hearing what we want to hear, instead of being able to consider the actuality reality of the predicament we’re in.
We learn that when we do slow down to be with what’s here, we disrupt ancestral and epigenetic patterning, as we find ourselves able to choose new empowered lives.
We become familiar with the old patterning that is rooted in scarcity and fear, desperately wanting comfort at any cost. And instead we choose to not self betray, and listen to what’s most deeply true for ourselves in a moment.
I am grateful for the learning unfolding, and for the support I have. Learn more about the upcoming MIE starting in April! And be sure to reach out with any questions!
