Cleaning out the Cobwebs of Lovability

Have y’all been feeling it? The pull to clean out… closets, cupboards, fridges… maybe even emails?  Still in transition from winter to spring, we’re also smack dab in the middle of an eclipse that is inviting us to let go of what we’re longer aligned with and that no longer serves our growth and evolution.

Letting go is kind of a constant companion for some of us… sometimes it’s fairly simple, almost a daily act, while other times it’s a bit of a precarious endeavor- almost like pulling teeth. Eclipses, like the seasons, don’t care so much if you’re ready, or willing. It’s just gonna happen, and I’ve found that we can help ourselves with the letting go process by connecting with it in tangible, practical ways.  

For me, it began this week in my kitchen, and then moved to my closets. All this, especially cleaning out my closets, unsuspectedly prepared me to release some old belief systems and identities that I’d created long ago around my sense of lovablity, worth, value and safety with regards to how I how I physically look. We live in a culture that is appearance based, and so of course throughout my life I had formed identities of appearance as a way to feel safe and feel free. Inside I may have been starving- internally I may have felt a lot of deficiency- but I got so much positive attention and external validation through my appearance that I mistakenly took that as love and worth

At this point in my life, it is liberating to discover that my worth, loveablity, importance and safety are not hinged upon outward facing identities and appearance.  And yet, before I could feel that next layer of liberation, first came the underbelly: the 12 hour after cleaning out my cobwebs… I mean closets… was full of discomfort. While it’s evolutionary and liberating to release identities, strategies, survival patterns and belief systems tangled up in the old versions of me, it can also usher forth layers of grief, disorientation, and fear as an initial response.

A part of me is in awe that when I release what no longer serves me, I expect immediate relief, but first comes the shadows. And no wonder. All my life it’s been like a drug for me to get approval from the material plane so that I can feel complete, so that I can feel lovable.  The ego/personality does not appreciate it when we mess with our survival strategies! Who will I be without my masquerade? Who will I be, without hiding behind appearances of culturally sanctioned beauty? If release who I am not, who will I be when I show up more deeply in my own life?

Breathing with and feeling through these questions was un.com.fort.able for awhile. Tears, somatic gripping, mental story telling cycled through and then whoooosshhh I noticed a space open inside of me. Unburdened is the best word I can name at this point.

I love how releasing things on the material plane has ushered in internal releases for me this week. May we all take good care of ourselves this week, with lots of patience and kindness, as we transition through the seasons and the stars, on our way to deeper liberation and spaciousness.

(Stained glass created by Kathrynn Meuser)