Skip to main content
Applications are now Available for the Matrix Integration Exploration 2024: Learn More

“Some part of me is almost livid these days.”

I heard myself speaking these words this morning. 

This was after I’d first told them… I was great!

And I am, but I actually? While most of me is fine, fiiiiiinnne, 

even great! I also feel myself burning alive livid. 


I had just heard of yet another baby starved to death in Palestine. 

A baby who never knew toddlerdom. A mother, now with out her baby. 

The lividness twists in me, like energetic octopus arms

fighting off what lies in wait. It’s unsettling,

yet familiar because I’ve spent a lot of my life fighting,

and some part me is still scared of loving.

I turn away from slowing down, wearing my lividness like a shield. 


We played kickball, and frisbee, today, my loves and I, 

and now I can breathe more fully, with the tender bits, and the livid bits. 

My shields started to dissolve through hoots and hollers,

hugs and high fives. 

We are not in denial, we are in love.


My daughter has told me of her plans for this summer… 

plans which I’ve known were coming, but just now….

amidst stories of death, and an afternoon of laughter,

these plans sink in for what it means… for me. 

I hear myself gasp, and the shield drops.

My heart break as a mama allows me to open more towards my

heart breaking with the world.

Tears that had been holding for days wash out.

The nest, mostly empty, continues its emptying process.

My heart, mostly full, continues it’s expansive process. 


I don’t need to move away from this burn.

I don’t need to move away from any pain. 

Sometimes I do. And, sometimes I will

but right now I feel my lividness yield.

Love’s whisper is holding me and I sink in,



I feel wide and I feel deep. 

The lividness now transformed into love, 

I turn back toward the squirm, and I feel. 

I love the dead, because I know I can. 

I love those alive, grieving, because I am, too. 


If we’re being honest, we all know that we are surrounded by death.

I am grateful for those who choose to love anyway.  

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Close Menu