Welcome to Matrix Integration: An On-Line Ten-Month Exploration
(Edited to add: I had a fun conversation talking with someone about Matrix Integration and this Exploration. Click here to watch! )
Matrix Integration: A Ten-Month Exploration
Clients have been asking me for years… why don’t I train people in the transformative model I use? You’ve asked for many reasons: some of you have felt the limitations in how you work with clients, or participate in your organization, and have not known how to engage differently; some of you have felt the burnout and exhaustion - and while you’re committed to and passionate about the work you do, it’s starting to take a toll; some of you just want to embody the learnings more deeply. I see you. All of you. It’s time.
My Awakening to Love
I wasn’t aware of my own narratives for most of my life, until something happened to burst my bubble. My world came tumbling down and I could not reconstruct it: my psyche had been cracked open, exposed. I suddenly found myself in a dark night, and the only way out was to go through.
During that time, I woke up to realities I didn’t know existed - realities both inside myself as well as realities outside myself. Over time I learned how they were connected, but first I had to become aware of a reality I’d never wanted to know: my own inner narratives were filled with beliefs about how I was not ok as I was. My internal reality was that I was not good enough, unlovable, and bad. My narratives were laden with a lot of shoulds, supposed tos and have tos. My internal narratives were oppressive.
All of that had been hidden from me - all of it lived beneath the level of conscious attention - but at the same time it was running my life. When my bubble burst, my self-narratives suddenly exposed, I was devastated. Not understanding that I was shaped by the narratives that were around me, what else could I do but blame myself?
I experienced excruciating self-loathing.
With the loving and gentle guidance of others, as well as using Matrix Integration with myself (I have always “guinea-pigged” on myself!), I slowly began to discover that the narratives were not true, that there was a mind/body connection, and slowly, that it was safe to live in my body.
I learned to see my innocence: my oppressive internal narratives were not who I really was and I was not to blame. Over time I discovered that my internal oppressive narratives and my fragmented somatic system were created within the context of an oppressive culture - a culture that does not center wholeness, care of self, or Love.
As I learned how the inner and outer were related (are in relationship) something profound began to awaken: I learned about self-compassion, self-love, and the matrix of Love and well-being that had been there all along, hidden by a matrix of oppression. There was something so profoundly beautiful about this, so unlike anything I’d ever experienced with the teachers I’d had in my life… I knew I wanted to share it.
Matrix Integration is a modality that I’ve been using with clients (and myself) over the past 10 years. Sometimes I say I created it, but it doesn’t really feel right to claim it as mine. I think of it more as a vision that was gifted to me: one day I was exploring with someone, and it was like I’d been given a key to a greater understanding of what it is to be human.
I knew that I had connected to something profound.
Prior to that, I had found the approaches to working with trauma ineffective and disembodied, often creating more harm than good. I had made a promise to myself that I would not engage in the therapeutic world until I knew how to engage with people differently. BAM! The time had finally come: I opened up my private practice about a month later.
I still find the way our culture journeys with people often to be ineffective and disembodied. I notice that the realms of spirituality, psychology, and activism often discount the body, the psyche, the importance of culture, and/or the power of love and compassion. I hear horror story after horror story: spiritual teachers, therapists and others, not fully understanding the nature of a psyche or what it needs to feel whole, retraumatizing people. I am called to bring this modality into more people’s awareness because, more than ever, we need to know our wholeness.
Matrix Integration moves from the understanding that the pain inside ourselves desires and requires Love, as opposed to fixing. MI gently moves attention away from fault and blame, instead including the contextual dynamics of life. People are met where they are. Agendas are dropped, and instead we move from curiosity, beginner’s mind, and Presence. As we learn, we transform. MI has changed my life, and the lives of hundreds of my clients. I am excited to know it will change yours.
What will make this Exploration different to other learnings or trainings?
*I have a lot of experience leading embodied explorations, as well as linear approaches.
I got involved in training people how to engage in an inquiry process about 8 years ago. Long story made short - the past 8 years have taught me that the intricate nature of humanity and the complex landscape of trauma require the cornerstones of transformative healing: heart connection, fluidity, deep listening, compassion, curiosity, and the acknowledgment that we are always in co-creation, held within something much wiser and deeper than that which appears to a linear, analytic mind. This Exploration will center this learning. To learn more about me and my journey, please see my “About” page.
*We exist in relationship
Consciously deciding to be a student of life has taught me that the inner matrix of oppression (how we treat or see ourselves) and the structural oppression in our culture (how our culture treats or sees us) are in relationship. There is no deconstruction, unweaving, dismantling, healing or re-discovering wholeness without a clear understanding that that which is within, is also without, and that which is without, is also within. Having an understanding of the dynamics of culture guides us in knowing how to best connect with our clients. Together we discover how to be compassionately held in loving and wise presence.
*We focus on our well-being first Any amount of good we want to do in the world, whether it be as activists, therapists, counselors, or another form of change agent, will be limited until we see the matrix of oppression that resides within our bodies and within our psychologies. When we have these negative beliefs about ourselves, we can’t help but project “shoulds” onto ourselves, and also onto others as well. Unnoticed, we unintentionally keep oppressing not just ourselves, but our clients, those we love, those we want to lift up, as well as upholding the very institutions which oppress the most.
You will receive two 1:1 sessions per month to help you journey through your internal landscape. Nothing, in my experience has matched the profundity that comes from personal sessions, held in Loving and Wise Presence.
*Transformation through Community
We become aware of our own internalized matrix of oppression, as well as the matrix of Love that is awaiting us, when in the space of loving presence.
I have found that my greatest life learnings and my deepest nervous system healings have come from being in healthy relationships directly with others. As such, there will be no pre-recorded aspects to our Exploration. We will be communing/in relationship with each other, learning from each other, finding wholeness with each other, in real time. (Sessions will be recorded if you need to miss a class.)
*The art of Slowing down
Throughout our Exploration we will be journeying from a deep knowing of the importance of slowing down. Your nervous system and brain will slowly and gently transfigure, impacting everything you relate with, internally and externally.
* This exploration is rooted in Learning and Discovery, not perfecting.
Our Exploration will be a gift that keeps on giving; the learning in this Exploration will never end, nor will our connections or community. We will deepen together not for the sake of achievement or certification, but for the sake of knowing well-being - yours, mine, and those we interact with - for the sake of All we interact with. As such, this will not be a training, per se. Instead this will be an Exploration. After our 10 month intensive is complete, you won’t be an expert. You’ll be as I am: a lifelong student of Matrix Integration.
*We will be paying guest speakers to share their wisdom
Having deeply explored the historical context of my own European/Eastern European ancestry, I know my own limitations and will have guest speakers throughout our course who will augment transformative wisdom practices through their unique lenses.
*Small and Intimate
This group will be limited to approximately 20 individuals. Clients who are a good match will have priority.
Who is our training for?
Our training is most suited for the change agents of the world. Are you a change agent? If you're reading my blog, my guess is yes, whether it's been consciously named or not. Maybe one of the following matches something about you: looking to journey through that which keeps you from stepping more fully into their own life’s purpose; therapists/healers/coaches/facilitators/social workers/nurses/body workers/social justice advocates who keep running into limitations and blockages with you clients; looking to deepen your relationship with Love/God, compassion and well-being; has lost or have never had a sense of hope or trust in something larger then yourself; finding yourself burning out, or who wind up in trauma-bonding predicaments; wanting to develop more internal resourcing, agency, and the ability to be comfortable and compassionate with the rich terrain of being human.
You will be supported throughout our ten months together via
- 20 (60-90 minute) private sessions
- Personal email and text exchanges as needed
- Approximately 15 group gatherings (all group calls will be recorded, which will be yours to review as resonates) ranging from 60 to 120 minutes
- Support staff and guest teachers to augment your learning and practicing
- My collection of videos, audios and blog posts
- Book, audio, and video recommendations
I utilize a sliding scale option, based on what you can afford. $3,500-$3,900. Those who pay the full rate will allow me to fund scholarships. I require a $500 deposit. Payment arrangements can be set up. Please email me with questions.
A Field of Possibility
Together we will engage in a conscious focus on learning how to listen at the level of both the Wise Mind and the Compassionate Being. Participating in the art of slowing down will pave the way. Listening from the Being will allow you to perceive the places where oppression lives, and the places where love is needed. Over time, trust in something larger than oneself will slowly develop and be Known, and then lived from in an embodied way.
This is the heart of Matrix Integration. Discovering, Knowing and Living/Loving from Presence. All is held within this field of possibility. This will be a limited engagement. Please contact me ASAP to learn more or to get an application to apply: LLMEUSER@ME.COM
NOTE: For those of you who would like a little more detail, there is a longer write up on my Events page, which includes more about me, as well as will how the Exploration will be set up, under the heading “How it will look.”
NEW: I had a fun conversation talking with someone about Matrix Integration and this Exploration. Click here to watch!
 Oppression in this context refers to restriction, constraint, or a sense of pressure which causes one to tighten and/or close, cut off from that which is life-giving.
 I am capitalizing Love because we have a very toxic understanding of love in our dominant culture. To assist, you may consider Love being that which is wiser than ourselves. Some might refer to this as God, the Tao, Oneness, etc.